Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sound Check

This is going to be a quick post.

First, a big thank you shout out to all my friends, bloggy and real life, for the wonderful comments and suggestions on my last post.  They mean so much.  I'm not going to address any of them right now but they did give me a lot to think about. Maybe I'll update on that whole situation later.  

Second, I have been sick for the last 3 days. First it started as a horrible headache, then fever, then nausea, then an ear infection. Actually had to go to the doctor which is usually something I try to avoid. But, they have good antibiotics there. ( :

Third, I am attending a funeral today. For a wonderful 95 yr. old man that I considered my grandfather. My own grandfather died when I was very young, this man stepped into that role.  Not only was he a granfather figure to myself and my brother, but he was a father figure to my own father. My dad went through some stuff when we were younger and Bill gave him some great advice, along with some tough love. 
Over the years, as I've "grown up" I haven't seen Bill more than once or twice a year. Up until these last 6 months. He and his wife moved into the same assisted living home that I visit every week.  When I saw their names on the list, I couldn't believe it!  And, thought for sure he wouldn't remember me. But, at 95, his mind was very, very sharp.  I was greeted by a gigantic hug, (in his prime, he was a very tall man) and an even larger smile. 
I have visited Bill and his wife ( his first wife died after 50 yrs. of marriage and he remarried. And, Mary is a wonderful lady as well but I don't have the same "connection" with her as I did Bill) over these last few months and enjoyed bringing my kids to visit with him.  I didn't enjoy seeing him get sicker and sicker. 
Eventually, he passed after hanging on two weeks longer than the doctors expected him to. 

So, I will be attending that memorial service this afternoon. And, although I am sad and will miss him, I know he lived a long life and considering all the pain and suffering he was in at the end, I KNOW he's in a better place. 

Strangely, I must bring up the ear infection I am currently suffering from.  For some unknown reason I can't hear very well out of my right ear, my left ear is my "strong" ear, on a normal day.  I often have to turn my head  when I'm talking to someone, to be able to hear better.  But, guess what ear is infected? Yup. My left.  So, I've been doing a lot of shouting and missing out on conversations these last few days. 

I told Jayce, who is 12, that today, at the service, if I start yelling or ignoring someone, he must tell me.  He got this very mischievous smile on his face.  Now, I'm a tad worried.  I may just not speak at all.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's Been A Month...

...since I've posted. Yes. I like to state the obvious.

My husband came home one day with plane tickets to Hawaii and we've been relaxing on the beach for a month.

Ok. That's a lie.

I've been away for a month, at a rehab center for women that have slowly lost their minds.

Ok. That's a lie, too. But, a tad closer to reality.

The truth is, I've hesitated to post. I was (still am) afraid whatever I posted would reflect what's in my heart. Which, normally, would be a good thing. But, lately? Not so much.

My heart is full. Of bitterness. Of anger. Of different emotions that have no definition. And certainly no reason.

I've been searching and praying and thinking for a reason as to why I'm so bitter and emotional. At one point, no joke, I thought I might be pregnant! And, with a husband that has had an vasectomy, and myself with an IUD, that's 99.9% impossible. Only after "consulting" with a friend, did I talk myself out of that possibility. I don't want to change my name to Mary anyways.

I have no good reason to be feeling these feelings. And, I certainly didn't want to reflect them here. Nor onto my family. But, I have failed in that area. My poor husband has bore the brunt of my anger and bitterness for a long time. But, he can only take so much.

I like to think I've dealt with the kids decently but only time ( and therapy) will tell. 

The thing that frustrates me the most is that I have NO good reason to be so bitter.  All the things that make me angry and frustrate me, are fixable!

I get frustrated that the house is always a mess.  (Clean it! Be better about making the kids clean up after themselves!)

I get frustrated we never have any money. (Of course we have money.  Maybe not enough for the Hawaii trip but we have food and a home.)

I get frustrated when I have too much to do on my to-do list. (The word "No" should be used more in my vocabulary.)

I get frustrated with my weight and health.  (We all know the solution here.)

But, do I do any of these things?  Nope. Which only frustrates me more.

There are some things I'm bitter about that are beyond my control. Death.  How other people act and think.  But, I certainly can work on acceptance. 

So, for a month I've avoided my blog. I've even avoided commenting on other's blogs.
My heart is just not into it right now.