Thursday, February 24, 2011

Time Marches On

In the two weeks since my last post, time has, indeed,  marched on.

There was a funeral. A moving, sweet service for a wonderful, wise man. A man that I have known since I was 5 yrs. old.
I grew up in a small town. Very small. There were 20 kids in my Senior class. And that was a large class. Many of those students had been together since Kindergarten. Michael was one of those people. When you go through 13 yrs. (13 very important, life shaping years) with the same people, they become part of you. I cannot honestly look back at those years and NOT see him. With his passing, part of me has died as well. It has been hard to understand why he had to die. But, it's not my decision to make and I know he is at peace. And, because of his life, many others have made decisions regarding their own.
There were hundreds of people at his service.  Old friends. It was a school reunion of sorts. A bittersweet reunion.

There was an operation. My mom had her shoulder surgery and all went well.  She ended up having to have some tendons and bones screwed back together. Now, she's taking it easy and will soon be doing physical therapy.
I was afraid this whole experience would change my mother, in my eyes. She would somehow become sickly and frail. But, she's been strong and courageous.  She's been wise in asking for help (which for both her and I, is difficult to do) for things she can't do but yet not needy or feeling sorry for herself. She has been thankful that the surgery fixed the problem and her healing seems to be right on track.

There was illness. It ran through our household like a semi-truck. Everyone was infected and missed out on some fun social happenings. Such is life. 

Time marches on.

There was a birthday. Jarrett turned 6!  ( I will post his birthday interview soon!). Hard to believe my little preemie 5lb baby is now 6 and becoming more independent each day. 
He's becoming SO independent, he'd rather NOT get his picture taken with mom. 

There was a getaway.  I am blessed with awesome in-laws.  Even though the kids were sick, they had no qualms about taking them for 2 nights so my husband and I could enjoy some grown-up time.  Much needed. And, appreciated.
Can't beat this view, from our hotel room. Sigh...

Judd's favorite part of the weekend. No joke. 

Time marches on.

I have wanted to blog, I have not wanted to blog. I would go back and forth between wanting to tell you all these funny things to feeling very superficial and, for lack of a better word, stupid. How can I write about the funny things my kids did when someone has died?
How can I come here and complain about my husband, who hates to go to the coast and was complaining about going, even before we left, when I know of one wife that would love to hear her husband complain.

But, time does march on.

I will enjoy it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

No Words

Nothing I write here today would be able to sum up the feelings that I have.

I have a lot of heavy things going on right now.

There has been a death of a very dear and wonderful friend. Even the fact that he was re-diagnosed with leukemia didn't make it less shocking. Maybe it's the fact that the re-diagnosis came only a month ago.
Someday, soon, I will talk more about this, but right now....I just can't.

Please pray for Michael's wife and his three little children.

Somewhat less heavy, but it still has it's own bulk to it, is the fact that my mom fell and injured her shoulder. Badly enough to require surgery. Within the week. Add to that is the fact that my dad is a truck driver and needs to work. That means the job of getting mom to and from the doctor and helping her recover is mine. Which I gladly do. Don't misread that. GLADLY.

Like I said, heavy stuff going on here.

I will be back. Soon.

In the mean time, hold your loved ones closer, tell them you love them, make the most out of every day. Spend quality time with God. Do the best with what He gave you.

That's what I'm going to be doing.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Dream and a Loss

All of my pregnancies were filled with drama. Each one more than the one before. Bedrest. High blood pressure. Numerous ultra sounds. Trips to the hospital for monitoring.

All of my newborns had issues. Each one more than the one before. Jeven was the worst.  Walking out of the hospital without your newborn  is the second  worst feeling in the world. Being told "we had to revive him" is the first.

As much as I admire the Duggar family, we are in no position to compete with them.
After Jeven, we decided we were done growing our family. It was a hard decision for us to make. Well, for me. Judd made it in a snap. I had some real, genuine heartache for the babies I would never have.
But, it would not be fair to get pregnant again and run the risk of dying, leaving my remaining children without a mother. Or, get pregnant and not have a baby survive. Unthinkable.

It was decided Judd would get a vasectomy.  Just the fact that my husband was willing to have THAT done, ( a man that has gone to the doctor twice in the entire time I've known him) tells you how serious he was about being DONE.

While he was back getting his procedure done, I sat in the restroom and cried. And cried. I knew it was the right decision. It just  hurt my heart.
What got me through was knowing the IF God wanted us to have another baby, it could happen. People have babies after a vasectomy all the time, right? And, if He can get a virgin pregnant, He could certainly make it happen for me.

For the next year, I secretly, subconsciously, hoped every month that was the case.

Now, it's been 4 years and I can honestly say, if God saw fit to let me be pregnant, I would be mad as heck.  I am SO done with babies. I love my kids. I love other people's babies. I gladly baby sit. But, I gladly give them back to their parents.  I will always miss the tiny newborn sounds and smells. I miss breastfeeding. But, I'm glad my time is done with those things.

Monday night, I had a dream I was pregnant. Not only pregnant, but in labor.  And it was a very realistic dream. You know when you have a somewhat realistic dream there's still random people in it, or random things happening that don't make any sense?  This dream had none of that.

In my dream, it was a very fast labor, which is accurate for me. The whole family was there. Accurate.  The only thing that was slightly off was I decided I wanted to actually assist in the delivery. Meaning, I wanted to reach down and "catch" the baby. Which I never had any interest in doing with my other labors. But, in my dream, I wanted to. Not in a weird way, just very casually said, "Can I do it?".

And, I pulled a healthy, beautiful, baby boy up onto my chest. And he cried. I cried. Judd cried. And, I loved him. Instantly. And, I was relieved that I loved him.  Seeing as how it was an unwanted pregnancy and all. I was glad I loved him instantly.

As Judd and I decided what this new baby boy's name was to be, I woke up.

I told Judd about my dream. His response was "More of a nightmare!".  I told Josie. "I do want a baby sister!"  "Sorry, it was a boy". "Oh man!!".

Judd and I laughed it off.  It was only a dream.

But, I had this weird  feeling that stayed with me all day yesterday.  I couldn't explain it. I didn't talk about it. It was just "there".

Judd and I had some alone time yesterday afternoon. As we were walking through Target, we passed the baby section. And,tears started rolling down my face. I turned my head so my husband wouldn't see, lest he think I'm bonkers.

My weird feeling?  Loss. I felt like I had HAD a baby, and where was he?
I can close my eyes and see him. Smell him. Hear him.

I suffered a miscarriage in April 2000.  I was 12 wks. exactly. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl.

I've heard people that have lost a child talk about their dreams that have their loved one in it. They dream of their dead children.
Was that my lost baby in my dream?  I'm not sure.

I do know I went to sleep last night praying I'd dream about him again.