Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Dream and a Loss

All of my pregnancies were filled with drama. Each one more than the one before. Bedrest. High blood pressure. Numerous ultra sounds. Trips to the hospital for monitoring.

All of my newborns had issues. Each one more than the one before. Jeven was the worst.  Walking out of the hospital without your newborn  is the second  worst feeling in the world. Being told "we had to revive him" is the first.

As much as I admire the Duggar family, we are in no position to compete with them.
After Jeven, we decided we were done growing our family. It was a hard decision for us to make. Well, for me. Judd made it in a snap. I had some real, genuine heartache for the babies I would never have.
But, it would not be fair to get pregnant again and run the risk of dying, leaving my remaining children without a mother. Or, get pregnant and not have a baby survive. Unthinkable.

It was decided Judd would get a vasectomy.  Just the fact that my husband was willing to have THAT done, ( a man that has gone to the doctor twice in the entire time I've known him) tells you how serious he was about being DONE.

While he was back getting his procedure done, I sat in the restroom and cried. And cried. I knew it was the right decision. It just  hurt my heart.
What got me through was knowing the IF God wanted us to have another baby, it could happen. People have babies after a vasectomy all the time, right? And, if He can get a virgin pregnant, He could certainly make it happen for me.

For the next year, I secretly, subconsciously, hoped every month that was the case.

Now, it's been 4 years and I can honestly say, if God saw fit to let me be pregnant, I would be mad as heck.  I am SO done with babies. I love my kids. I love other people's babies. I gladly baby sit. But, I gladly give them back to their parents.  I will always miss the tiny newborn sounds and smells. I miss breastfeeding. But, I'm glad my time is done with those things.

Monday night, I had a dream I was pregnant. Not only pregnant, but in labor.  And it was a very realistic dream. You know when you have a somewhat realistic dream there's still random people in it, or random things happening that don't make any sense?  This dream had none of that.

In my dream, it was a very fast labor, which is accurate for me. The whole family was there. Accurate.  The only thing that was slightly off was I decided I wanted to actually assist in the delivery. Meaning, I wanted to reach down and "catch" the baby. Which I never had any interest in doing with my other labors. But, in my dream, I wanted to. Not in a weird way, just very casually said, "Can I do it?".

And, I pulled a healthy, beautiful, baby boy up onto my chest. And he cried. I cried. Judd cried. And, I loved him. Instantly. And, I was relieved that I loved him.  Seeing as how it was an unwanted pregnancy and all. I was glad I loved him instantly.

As Judd and I decided what this new baby boy's name was to be, I woke up.

I told Judd about my dream. His response was "More of a nightmare!".  I told Josie. "I do want a baby sister!"  "Sorry, it was a boy". "Oh man!!".

Judd and I laughed it off.  It was only a dream.

But, I had this weird  feeling that stayed with me all day yesterday.  I couldn't explain it. I didn't talk about it. It was just "there".

Judd and I had some alone time yesterday afternoon. As we were walking through Target, we passed the baby section. And,tears started rolling down my face. I turned my head so my husband wouldn't see, lest he think I'm bonkers.

My weird feeling?  Loss. I felt like I had HAD a baby, and where was he?
I can close my eyes and see him. Smell him. Hear him.

I suffered a miscarriage in April 2000.  I was 12 wks. exactly. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl.

I've heard people that have lost a child talk about their dreams that have their loved one in it. They dream of their dead children.
Was that my lost baby in my dream?  I'm not sure.

I do know I went to sleep last night praying I'd dream about him again.


  1. (((hugs))

    It's easy to wonder if you've done the right thing when you decide not to have any more kids.

    I know NOW that it was the right choice for us to stop with two, but had doubts a long time.

    The dreams like that stick with you and make you sad for days sometimes. I've never had one about that but have dreamed many times about a little girl I'm taking care of. I'm sure you read those posts.

  2. My heart hurts. And I'm all teared up. I've had dreams where someone I love has passed away (but I'm able to wake up and sigh a sigh of relief that it was a dream) but I've never had a dream like *that* one. Seriously, my heart is aching for you.

  3. {{{hugs}}}}

    I'm sorry.

    I had dreams like that after I lost 3 babies to miscarriage. It's so hard. I still avoid the baby department when I go shopping.

    For years, I hoped every month that I was pregnant again, and then after the miscarriages, each month I hoped I wasn't. It was just too hard to lose them. I knew it was all God's will, but I just wanted His will to be the same as mine in this instance.

    {{{hugs}}} again. Here's to hoping your dreams make you happy and carry you through your days when you awake from your slumber.

  4. I have had two miscarriages and I have had dreams I think that were related to them. Similar to what you describe. Also, I cried when I had my tubal. I didn't want to be done with babies but we knew that's what we were supposed to do. It still hurt!

    I am sorry things are so difficult right now.

  5. Oh, I could just cry reading this. I've had several miscarriages, and of course, my second daughter was stillborn. I know, too, about leaving the hospital without your baby. I went on to have healthy babies, but my pregnancies were anxious and nerve-wracking. Even still, I loved being pregnant. I love more than anything in the world the feeling of a new baby in my arms or at my breast. I know for certain that I'll never plan to have another, but I'd be heartbroken if I didn't still have the option. I'm envious of those women who have that "done" feeling. That will never be me. A part of me will always be sad for the babies that I don't, and won't, have.

    I've been thinking of blogging about this lately, too, since my last baby just had his first birthday. I'd like to link to your post if I do, do you mind?

  6. Thanks.... I needed that.... I'm so very glad for you that you did get to have the kids you do have.... I hope someday I will be better able to cope with not being able to have kids with my husband.... I waited my whole life to be a wife and mother.... My son is an amazing man, but it's a different thing to be a single teen mom than to have kids with the man you love and are going to spend the rest of your life with.... I guess we all have our different burdens to bear... Love and hugs and thank you for sharing! ;)


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