Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's Been A Month...

...since I've posted. Yes. I like to state the obvious.

My husband came home one day with plane tickets to Hawaii and we've been relaxing on the beach for a month.

Ok. That's a lie.

I've been away for a month, at a rehab center for women that have slowly lost their minds.

Ok. That's a lie, too. But, a tad closer to reality.

The truth is, I've hesitated to post. I was (still am) afraid whatever I posted would reflect what's in my heart. Which, normally, would be a good thing. But, lately? Not so much.

My heart is full. Of bitterness. Of anger. Of different emotions that have no definition. And certainly no reason.

I've been searching and praying and thinking for a reason as to why I'm so bitter and emotional. At one point, no joke, I thought I might be pregnant! And, with a husband that has had an vasectomy, and myself with an IUD, that's 99.9% impossible. Only after "consulting" with a friend, did I talk myself out of that possibility. I don't want to change my name to Mary anyways.

I have no good reason to be feeling these feelings. And, I certainly didn't want to reflect them here. Nor onto my family. But, I have failed in that area. My poor husband has bore the brunt of my anger and bitterness for a long time. But, he can only take so much.

I like to think I've dealt with the kids decently but only time ( and therapy) will tell. 

The thing that frustrates me the most is that I have NO good reason to be so bitter.  All the things that make me angry and frustrate me, are fixable!

I get frustrated that the house is always a mess.  (Clean it! Be better about making the kids clean up after themselves!)

I get frustrated we never have any money. (Of course we have money.  Maybe not enough for the Hawaii trip but we have food and a home.)

I get frustrated when I have too much to do on my to-do list. (The word "No" should be used more in my vocabulary.)

I get frustrated with my weight and health.  (We all know the solution here.)

But, do I do any of these things?  Nope. Which only frustrates me more.

There are some things I'm bitter about that are beyond my control. Death.  How other people act and think.  But, I certainly can work on acceptance. 

So, for a month I've avoided my blog. I've even avoided commenting on other's blogs.
My heart is just not into it right now. 


  1. Consider that you may have depression/anxiety. I am the queen of the anxiety-ridden, so please see a doctor! One of my main symptoms was being angry ALL THE TIME! I became a kinder, gentler Mommy once on meds. I have a blog post about my anxiety story somewhere on my blog.

    Good luck and MANY hugs to you!

  2. Oh how alike we are, my friend.... *SO* unbelievably alike.

  3. I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. But I have to tell you, I have those same feelings every now and then too. Especially as I near the end of my pregnancy, I have been short with my children and super grumpy. It always helps to get out of the house, ALONE and enjoy some "me" time.

  4. I 2nd Portia.
    At least think about it.

  5. I have no words, but am thinking of you, and sending hugs your way!

  6. You.

    Realy. I'm so there with you. Riding the crazy train and picking up bags of stupid that the kids have left everywhere.

    At one point I also thought I was pregnant, but my shop was closed up at 29. I am only 36, and have been in peri-meno for 4 years already. Mood swings are HORRIBLE! Most days I can't believe that Almost Hubs would want to marry me still. :) It may be something to look into. And if you're not opposed, I also 2nd Ami and Portia. Even if it's just for a few months to get you back on track. (((HUGS)))

  7. I've only just discovered your blog now. "HI!" is probably the most useful comment I could make - but please know that you are not alone, you are very brave, and yes, please get time for yourself (or you and a good friend) and maybe help if that is not enough. The sun will come up again tomorrow, whether you are there to pick up stuff or not! But the children do need their mom; in good shape if at all possible! Big hug, if you want it. Jade

  8. I'll be praying for you!! I have come across that path, as well. You're perfectly normal. Having some "get out of the house" alone time may help. But what helps the most is daily giving it to God. Play worship songs during the day, look up verses on joy and contentment, list what you're thankful for, read encouraging things (have you heard of Above Rubies?), and sharing your feelings with trusted pals. The enemy would love nothing more than to entice you to sink into depression! Ask God to reveal what it is exactly that is bugging you. Have faith that this is temporary! <3

  9. Found your blog thru Julianna's. I can totally relate to how you are feeling (and I only have one child). I am perimenopausal as well (at 42, ughhh). I take anti-depressants (have for the past 5 years). Welbutrin was a life saver for me (and is weight neutral with no sexual side effects). I don't know you at all, so I hope you don't mind this advice, but you might also look into the effects the IUD might be having on your hormones. I know, for me, I couldn't take birth control pills for that very reason. I was a pitiful, bitter, sad mess.

    Just something to consider.

    I hope you find some peace.

    And your children are just beautiful!

    Now, go get some hugs!


Please comment! Even if you just say "HI!".