...since I've posted. Yes. I like to state the obvious.
My husband came home one day with plane tickets to Hawaii and we've been relaxing on the beach for a month.
Ok. That's a lie.
I've been away for a month, at a rehab center for women that have slowly lost their minds.
Ok. That's a lie, too. But, a tad closer to reality.
The truth is, I've hesitated to post. I was (still am) afraid whatever I posted would reflect what's in my heart. Which, normally, would be a good thing. But, lately? Not so much.
My heart is full. Of bitterness. Of anger. Of different emotions that have no definition. And certainly no reason.
I've been searching and praying and thinking for a reason as to why I'm so bitter and emotional. At one point, no joke, I thought I might be pregnant! And, with a husband that has had an vasectomy, and myself with an IUD, that's 99.9% impossible. Only after "consulting" with a friend, did I talk myself out of that possibility. I don't want to change my name to Mary anyways.
I have no good reason to be feeling these feelings. And, I certainly didn't want to reflect them here. Nor onto my family. But, I have failed in that area. My poor husband has bore the brunt of my anger and bitterness for a long time. But, he can only take so much.
I like to think I've dealt with the kids decently but only time ( and therapy) will tell.
The thing that frustrates me the most is that I have NO good reason to be so bitter. All the things that make me angry and frustrate me, are fixable!
I get frustrated that the house is always a mess. (Clean it! Be better about making the kids clean up after themselves!)
I get frustrated we never have any money. (Of course we have money. Maybe not enough for the Hawaii trip but we have food and a home.)
I get frustrated when I have too much to do on my to-do list. (The word "No" should be used more in my vocabulary.)
I get frustrated with my weight and health. (We all know the solution here.)
But, do I do any of these things? Nope. Which only frustrates me more.
There are some things I'm bitter about that are beyond my control. Death. How other people act and think. But, I certainly can work on acceptance.
So, for a month I've avoided my blog. I've even avoided commenting on other's blogs.
My heart is just not into it right now.