Awkward Chit Chat

You know when you run into someone at the store, and you know them and even at one time, considered them a close friend?
You stand there and make awkward chit chat and sometimes, more often, you end the chit chat with polite "Let's do coffee sometime" and move on. But, yet, sometimes, if you're truly lucky, you find yourself moving past the chit chat and reaching into the depths and you pour out your life story and the troubles, and hopefully, blessings, you've been dealing with for the last 5 months.

I hope this is that kind of chit chat.

Five months since my last post.  I can't even believe I let it go this long!! I think part of me was so worried about making my "return post" so darn interesting, I ended up avoiding it all together. Or, ducking down another aisle in the store so as to not see the person and avoid talking to them all together.  

Last I left you, I was working several part time jobs and trying to make it through Christmas without harming myself or a loved one.
Mission accomplished!!

I put off harming myself until January 24. That's the day I stood on the arm of the couch, to take down our living room curtains to wash.  Then, proceeded to fall off the arm of the couch and break my ankle.

No more work for me!! But, also? No more cleaning (curtains never did get washed!), cooking or laundry. It was great!!

For the first 3 days.

Then, it got really boring. And, it was hard to just lay there and have the world go on around you.  Going to the bathroom took so much energy and strength.
Eventually, I started to put weight on it and putt-putt around in a wheelchair.  Then, only use crutches and eventually wear TWO shoes again (vs. the fancy boot thingy) and now, 3 months later, walking with a limp.
My ankle is still actually broken but the doctor said I could go back to work. It may take up to 6 months for it to totally heal. Uh. Who knew it took so long for a bone to heal, especially in your 40s.

Yes. I turned 40 in March.  I still can't believe that.  No big party.  Would've been nice to go on a trip or something.  Oh well.  Life at 40 is pretty much the same as it was at 39. Which means we're still broke.

Jayce turned 16 in December. He was anxious to get his driver's license.  But, his dad and I did not think he was ready. 
He had saved money for two summers, birthdays and Christmases and was able to buy a truck.

Jeven helping Jayce wash Red. 

He continued to use his permit and learned to drive the truck.  Last week, he took his driver's test and passed with flying colors.  The next day, he received a phone call saying he was hired at a local home improvement store!! After filling out the original application and doing several math tests, personality tests and an interview.  Good thing as it's a tad expensive to add a 16 yr.old male driver to your insurance policy.

I'm sure there are lots of things I'm leaving out. Lots of "feelings" and thought provoking insights. But, all in all, life is just going on. 

It was good to see you again and I hope to run into you again, really soon!! 

Duck Tape DOES Fix Everything

I live in a house with lots of testosterone. One husband, three sons. Even the dog is a male.

I have my one and only girl. I'm very thankful that I have just the one. Partly, because it makes her that much more special.
And, partly, because OH MY GOD THE DRAMA!! Always the drama. 

All my gray hairs?? Yup. They are from her.

She is a funny, bright, caring and incredible young lady. But. Have I mentioned the drama? 

It's quite odd. Just yesterday, she was toddling around, getting into everything
Now, she's stomping around, getting into everything. 

Some time ago, we had "the talk". She asked lots of questions but didn't seem too concerned about what was just around the corner for her.

I've suspected it was coming, sooner rather than later, by her highs and lows, (AKA as The Drama) and her unpredictability.

Low and behold, I was awakened one Friday morning, by my daughter, calling from the bathroom. She wasn't panicking,(like I said, we had had "the talk") just wanted me to know and verify what she had used from the cupboard was correct.

Later, she was adamant that I NOT tell anyone. She was horrified that her father was already in the know. But, I was NOT to tell a single soul.

So, of course, I texted my mother. (And, now I'm blogging about it. Worst. Mother. EVER!!)
Who sent back a reply that she was crying.
I rolled my eyes and replied back "Stop crying. She's fine. She was prepared"

Now, I soon realized my "supplies" were not suitable for Josie (my heavy duty overnight pads left over from when I had all my issues) so off to Walmart we go.

They have an entire wall of "supplies". All different colors. Sizes. Brands.
As we stood there, trying to decide, Josie having a definite opinion about each box, I found myself getting a little emotional.
I looked at her.
When did she grow up?
This? This is changing everything.
Forever!!

I started to tear up.
But, Josie really did not want a big deal made of it. She'd told me that repeatedly. 

We finally decided that the Teen Pads were appriopriate (And a one time splurge as really? Paying extra for a glittery box is not the norm.)

We start walking thru the store, with my daughter's first box of maxi pads in the cart. I started to cry. Talk about drama.
But, I was careful not to let Josie see.
It was business as usual, as I pushed the cart. Inside my head, I was telling myself, "Your little girl is gone. Forever. She will now be a hormonal woman, with lots issues all her own."

Suddenly, "OH MY GOSH!! MOTHER!! LOOK!! FROZEN DUCT TAPE!!! I GOTTA HAVE IT!! CAN WE GET IT??  IT'S GOT ELSA AND ANNA ON IT!! MOM!!!!!"

Yeah. I quickly threw 3 rolls into the cart, suddenly feeling much better. Perhaps my little girl was still here.

Duck tape. Fixes all sorts of things!

Hey! (The Post That Contains Lots Of Fun Things In Parentheses)

I know. Clever title, huh?  (But you clicked on it so it's fulfilled it's purpose. )


Last time I posted, we were still in the heat of summer. Now, it's scarves and gloves and frozen mud puddles.

School is in full swing.  Jarrett and Jeven go to 4th and 3rd grades. Jarrett has a male teacher for the first time. I think the term "Hero Worship" defines their relationship perfectly.
Jarrett talks about him constantly. At teacher conferences a few weeks ago, I was told Jarrett is doing awesome and this teacher thinks highly of him as well.
Jeven is doing well, too, although it doesn't come as easy for him as it does Jarrett. But, his teacher is wonderful and patient. She "knows" my child and had wonderful things to say about him. And, apparently, Jarrett's current teacher has talked to her and he very much wants Jeven in his class next year.

Jayce is a sophomore in the virtual school. Doing well. Has most of his work done by noon. "A"s and one "B" (in per-calculus, of all things).
Josie is in 6th grade and while she's doing much more work independently, she still occupies a huge chunk of my time. (one reason the boys still go to school). Which, currently, I don't have alot to spare.

I started working at Harry and David this month. I've done it before but this year, I've been training for different positions. 71 hours of training they are giving me!! For a job that lasts 2 months!! And, the pay is only .25 LESS than what I make at the assisted living!( You can read that as I'm making lots of money with Harry and David. Or, you can read it as I'm way underpaid at the assisted living. Which do you think is more accurate?) It is the only way we will have any $$ for xmas. So, while it's time consuming now, I'm thankful for it.

So, I will work there starting at 5 or 6a.m., work 5-6 hours then go to the assisted living and work 2pm-10pm. On Mondays and Tuesdays.  On the other days, I'll just come home and do the "Housewife Thing". Oh, except for Thursdays when I watch Jack, an 18 month old little guy that needed a daycare place.
Needless to say, I've had to print up a very large calendar and write, very plainly, "WHERE MOM IS" so the kids (and my husband!) know what job is happening what day and for how long. 

It's nuts around here!!

Add in I'm still trying to watch my calories and exercise 4-5 times a week. When I'm super busy, the calorie watching is actually easier. (It's when I have free time I tend to go all out) but the exercising is difficult. Luckily (ha!!) I burn many calories at the assisted living (From here on out, it will be called AL, okay?) going up and down many flights of stairs, many times and you can bet I count those. But, on the other days, it's hard to find the time. Of course, one thing that should be easy enough is jogging. But, after attempting it many, many times, and going to the chiropractor many, many times, we've determined that until I build up my core (I hate that term!! It sounds so .....lame) I can't run. My hips go out of joint each time. He said walking (which is easy but takes a long time to burn enough calories) or swimming (which I love but it costs money and requires pre-planning) are pretty much my choices.
For awhile, I was pretty bummed. But, then I realized I was bummed I couldn't exercise which means I've made progress, right?

Lastly, in my previous post, I told you about a dear lady at the AL that had fallen and hurt her head? Well, apparently, the reason she was dizzy and fell in the first place, was because she has a brain tumor. So very sad.
She's having good days and some not so good days. Days where she's herself and days when she's somebody else entirely.
It's going to be very,very hard to watch her decline.

That's pretty much all that's going on here. (For now!!)

My Best Singing Voice Was Good Enough

Way back when I first started at the assisted living home, there was one resident that was evil.  I had never experienced anything like her before. Sure, I'd gone through life with a feeling if someone didn't like me. But, such hatred and evil directed right at me, it threw me off.

One of the reasons she bothered me so much was because, after being a mom of 4 kids and much more children experience than senior citizen experience, I tried to "retrain" her. I tried to "teach" her how to treat people. You know when they tell you to never lose a battle of wills with a child? I tried to place that same logic with this woman.

Needless to say, it didn't work. I finally came up with a coping mechanism the enabled me to give her good quality care and in the end, I became one of her favorite aides. I will not go as far as to say she became one of my favorite residents because this isn't a Disney film. But, life became MUCH easier (Not kidding. My sleepless nights and upset tummy  disappeared.) once I started doing this simple thing.

I sang.

At first, I just hummed. I would think of a favorite hymn and hum it. It calmed my spirit and soothed my soul. She never noticed. But, things got much more tolerable once I started doing that, even before I stepped into her room.

I noticed I started doing it in other residents rooms. Not because they stressed me out but just because it was already in my head and I enjoyed the peace it gave me.

One day, my absolute favorite resident of all time, Dwight, noticed I was humming. Now, Dwight was a stroke victim and while he could talk, sometimes his words didn't match what he was thinking.
"I need help with my shoes" would come out "I want pancakes". Something totally random. You were left trying to guess what he really wanted (although, pancakes could've been a real possibility).

He and I clicked right away. I could somewhat predict what he was going to need therefore eliminating his embarrassment when he couldn't express himself correctly.

When he noticed my humming, as we were walking to dinner, he stopped, looked me and said "You're singing! I like that song!" and his face was so full of joy.
He asked me to sing with him.

I didn't want to!! I am not a singer. Not even in the shower. Perhaps, when I'm alone in the van, but I stress--ALONE!

But, his face. I couldn't turn him down. So, we sang on the way down to dinner.

Are you washed in the blood,
In the soul cleansing blood of the Lamb?
Are your garments spotless? Are they white as snow?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb? 

And, the man that couldn't tell anyone that he needed to use the restroom, could sing the words to one of his favorite songs word for word, right on key. 

Dwight passed away a year and a half ago. The first time we sang that hymn in church, after his passing, I had to leave the sanctuary as I was crying too hard. 

It's been two years since I started at the assisted living home (with a few months "off"), I've created the habit of singing, or humming, very quietly, when I'm assisting residents with what many would look at as unpleasant chores. Showering a resident. Cleaning a bed after an accident. Swabbing the mouth of a hospice patient. 

Sometimes, the resident will catch me and sing along. Sometimes, they are so hard of hearing, they don't even know I'm doing it. But, that's okay. 

Recently, we had a lady fall and hit her head. She actually required several staples in the back of her head. It was quite the ordeal. Normally, she was a spirited "cool" old lady. You know those old ladies that wear the bright colored Nikes and have their finger nails painted bright blue? She is one of those. 
But, the day after her accident happened, she was far from herself. 
I was her aide that day. I checked on her often through the day. She slept so peacefully in her chair, I didn't wake her. 
Until, it got to be late enough in the day and I knew she hadn't eaten, nor used the rest room. 
I gently woke her and explained that we needed to get her up and move around a bit. Eat and use the restroom. 
She stated that she hadn't slept that good for a long time! But, she was so dismayed when she noticed she had wet herself. 
I explained it wasn't a big deal, her body needed the rest more than it needed the bathroom. I'd get her cleaned up and help her eat dinner. No biggie. 

She was so upset, she could not get over it. 
I started to sing as I cleaned her up, got out new clothes for her. 

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,
By faith, on Heaven’s tableland,
A higher plane than I have found;Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

She stopped her crying, looked at me and asked "What are you singing? I haven't heard that song in so long! Please sing to me." 

I admit, I was embarrassed. Singing with someone was very different than singing to someone. 
But, we were alone in her room. She was upset. And, I love her. 

I sang to her. After, she let me get her dressed, never again bringing up her dismay over the wet clothes.  She let me get her cleaned and redressed. I continued to sing to her as I pulled her bed apart and helped her in. 

I made sure she knew where her call cord was, and that she had enough light on in her room, to see if she needed to get up. 

Told her I loved her and that I'd see her tomorrow. 

I do not sing well.  I'm probably tone deaf.  I don't even know all the words to the song, sometimes.  
But, apparently, sometimes, it doesn't matter. 

I believe if you do something with love, it will be good enough.  

Hi-Ho, Back I Go

This is my third attempt at this post.

First, I went into too much detail about my husband's job and the crappy pay, but that made him sound pathetic and that is the LAST thing I want to do. He works hard, his job just doesn't pay well.

Then, I went in too much detail about our bills. We have some, not as many as some people, but we do have them. But, really? Its not important what we pay to whom.

The bottom line is: We poor. Four children and a mortgage will do that to ya.

I  quit working at the assisted living home in Oct of last  year, not because we were so rich but because of management and schedules and my income was "cushion".

Since then, I've actually been going in and volunteering. Basically, I was doing many of the things I did when I was employed there, for free. Yup. For. Free.

I can't really put in words what draws me to taking care of the elderly. But, I am thankful that my past job helped me discover a gift I didn't know I had.

Volunteering gave me the best of both worlds--I could choose when I went and for how long, I got to love on my residents and my kids didn't have to miss me, I often times took one or two kids with me.

Meanwhile, management changed and ex co-workers started messaging me that I could probably come back and get my desired part time schedule.
Meanwhile, our mortgage went up by $300 (long story!!) and our kids kept growing and eating everything in sight.

My husband and I decided we needed extra income. I answered a Craigslist ad for a helper two times a week. Turns out, it was a 65 year old man with dementia. Both of which I have experience with but this would've been me and him alone, in his home. My husband, and myself, were not comfortable with that.

I filled out a few other applications at other facilities, with no responses.

We finally decided perhaps I would give my old facility a second chance.

I went in, asked for the (new) manager. I asked her for an employment app, explaining that I had worked there in the recent past.
She told me they weren't really hiring but I could fill out an app and they'd keep it on file.
Feeling very discouraged, I filled it out there, sitting in the lobby, getting interrupted by passing residents that wanted to chit-chat.
Finally I had filled it all out and walked it back to the manager. She looked at it.


She gave a "Whoop!!" and exclaimed "You're THAT Jackie?!"
When I said "Ummmmm...yes?" , she quickly explained they could rush my background check and when did I want to start?

I admit, it felt wonderful after being turned down other places.

It felt even better when I started, a week later, and upon entering residents' rooms, in obviously not volunteer uniform, there were many more "Whoops!! " and open arms. To say I was welcomed back would be an understatement. It made my heart swell.


However, it felt horrible, so horrible, to tell my kids I was going back to work. They cried. I cried. Their dad and I both felt like we had let them down.

But, it's only a couple days a week. And frankly, MY parents both worked. My husband's parents worked. And, we survived. No, it's not our ideal plan. But, eating and electricity are sorta important.

And, I enjoy it. So, even when we get "caught up" (hahahahahaha! Ever??) I will still probably work in some sort of caregiving position. Hopefully, my children will not be resentful.

Hopefully they will be proud.

There's Nothing Wrong With A Little Guilt (very long post)

Last post, I mentioned that something happened, concerning my oldest, this summer that was pretty major.

If you can remember your teenage years, I'm sure you'd remember that your friends were like family. They were included in most every day of your life. And, if you were lucky, they blended in to your family and were accepted and loved by your parents. If you were twice lucky, your friend's parents felt the same about you.

Jayce has such a friend, Titus.  They are close. We love Titus, he is here most days, kicking back on the couch, eating our food, messing up our house. Just like our other kids. When Titus is not here, Jayce is over at his house, eating their food and messing up their house.

Titus is 18 and will be heading off to college in California in September. He will be missed.
I also have an 18 year old nephew, Derek. Who will be heading to college in Portland. Obviously, I've known Derek all his life and besides literally being a member of our family, he's blends in with Jayce and Titus quite well. They all have a great time together.

The last few summers, all three boys have gone to Florence to go sandboarding. Florence is about an hour and half away, nearest town on the Oregon coast.  Sandboarding is sort of like surfing, but on (you guessed it!) sand.  You take the board and climb, climb, climb the sand dune and surf down. Tons of fun but very exhausting.

The last time the boys went, Titus' mom, Lisa, took them. Which was totally uncool and lame. Nobody wants to have an epic day sandboarding with their mom. Dude.

This year, they began planning their last trip, before the college boys are officially grown up, months in advance.  I admit, one of my weakest areas of parenting is agreeing to something because the actual event is so far in the future, I'm thinking that it will never happen.  And, then, it does happen and I say "No" but I've already said "Yes" months ago and feel total guilt for taking my word back.

Now, the road between our town and Florence is crazy busy in the summer. There are always accidents. And, not just fender benders.  There is at least one death on the road each summer. More in the winter, I believe.
So, when approached with their plan, which was Derek driving Jayce and Titus to Florence and sandboarding all day and eating dinner and driving home, I hesitantly agreed but only because Titus' mom, Lisa was okay with it.  Now, I believe that each parent has that one fear. The one thing they always freak out about and it hinders their thought process.  For others, it may be choking. Or, illness or bike riding. The one thing that they will always be a little more paranoid about. For Lisa, it's swimming. She is hyper paranoid any time her kids are near water.  For me? It's traffic accidents.  I am the mother that's always saying "Call me when you get there!!" and "Call me when you're leaving!" and "Be careful on the road. There are crazy drivers out there!!". And, my kid doesn't even have his drivers license yet!
Me agreeing to an inexperienced teenager driving my son and his friend to a distant town on a crazy road was not easy. But, I do have to let go at some point, right?

No. No, I don't!   Titus and Derek may be 18 but Jayce is only 15.  I don't have to let go yet.
And, after conversing with Lisa and finding out she was hesitant as well, we changed the boys' plans, like loser mothers we are.
Lisa would keep my three younger kids, I would drive the big boys to Florence.  They protested but we put our foots down and promised them I would not make them come home at any certain time, I wouldn't follow them around. I was their chaperone only.

It was actually a win-win situation for me--I didn't have to worry about the boys, and I got tons of free time to read and walk and just relax.
I dropped the boys off at the dunes around 11 am. I stayed in the parking lot, and like I said, I read, walked and relaxed until about 4pm, when the boys came off the dunes. Looking very hot, sandy and tired.  But, they had had a blast!  Lots of wipe outs and scrapes and bruises but all had smiles on their faces.

They decided they wanted to jump in the lake, to rinse off and cool down.
Here is a picture of the lake:

What this picture does not  show is the rec. center on the opposite side of the dock attached to the shore. There is a beach and a little hut where you can rent canoes and kayaks. It would be in the upper left side of the photo.

Derek decided he did not want to swim, he headed to the rest room to use the sink there to rinse. Jayce and Titus jumped in the lake. After about 5 min of jumping in and out of the water, they decided they wanted to swim from the dock at the shore, to the other side of the lake.

"No way, guys. It's too far."

"We can do it, it's not bad."

"I don't know..."

"We can. We'll go from here to the dock in the middle, rest, and then swim the rest of the way. Drive the van over and pick us up."

This last statement said as they swim away. While I had my doubts, water doesn't scare me, nor does it scare Jayce. 

I sigh and start to gather up all the discarded shoes and shirts and head up towards the van. I turn to watch Jayce and Titus get half way to the dock that's in the middle.

I hear a quiet "Help."

"What?!"

"Help, Mom!!"

"Not funny, Jayce!"

"No, I'm serious, Mom! Help!!"

"Crap" (actually I did not say "Crap" but I will not type what I said as I barely even speak the word I actually said)

"Help!!"

"Jayce!! What's going on?!!"

"Titus isn't going to make it. Mom, I can't help him! Mom!!"

About this time, Derek, comes meandering down from the restroom.

"Hey. What's to eat?"

"Help!!"

Derek looks at me, like, "Is this for real??". 
I quietly say, "Derek, I think we need you."

Now is the perfect time to tell you that my nephew, who played basketball, baseball and football since he was 5 years old, all through elementary school up until his Junior year of High School, and while he was good at those sports, he grew very bored with them.  Last year, someone convinced him to go out for the swim team. Since then, he has won numerous medals, and when he goes to college, he is going with a scholarship and swimming for the college swim team. Oh, and his summer job? Yeah, it's a lifeguard at the local pool.

Derek quickly takes off his shoes, shirt, and shorts and prepares to jump in.

He gives me one quick look to make sure this isn't some cruel prank and to make sure this is indeed happening.

"Go, Derek!"

Derek swims like a freaking dolphin and reaches Titus and has him quickly secured. He asks Jayce if he's okay and when Jayce says he is, Derek tells Jayce to swim  the rest of the way to the middle dock. Jayce does and quickly Derek arrives, dragging Titus with him. He gets Titus up out of the water, turns him on his side. Titus vomits.

While this was all  happening, I looked to the other side of the lake and saw the old men with their canoe shack. They heard and saw what was happening. But, like me, they weren't sure if it was serious or not.

Now that everyone was up on that middle dock, I quickly ran to the van and drove like a bat out of you know where to the other side of the lake. I ran down to the beach, where one old man was already in a canoe.
When he saw me, he asked if he should go out there. I said "Yes, please, they won't make it back."
So, off he goes.

Paddle
Paddle
Paddle
Paddle

It takes forever to get there as 1) it's a canoe 2) it's an old man.

While waiting , I ask the other man how often this happens, at this lake.
He said it's never happened before.
There are "Swim at Own Risk" and "No Lifeguard on Duty" signs everywhere. But, I was still shocked that this had not happened before.

Finally, the boat guy reached the dock. Jayce and Derek helped Titus into the canoe (with a life jacket on). Jayce jumped back into the water but clung to the canoe. Derek dove in and beat everyone back.

Once out of the water, Titus was very much in shock. He vomited again, his entire body shaking.

I ran up to the van, grabbed a towel.

And cried.  Hard.

About this time, my cell phone beeps that I have a text.
It's from Lisa, Titus' mom.
"How's everything going over there? ( :"

Crap.

"Okay! Just finishing up. Be home soon!"

We eventually got Titus into dry clothes.  We loaded up the van and headed back into town. The sandboard shop where we rented the boards was across town. As I drove, with Titus in the passenger seat, Derek and Jayce in the back, I could tell Titus was having a hard time.

Once at the shop, I send in Jayce and Derek to return all the boards. I ask Titus if he's okay.

Now, you've heard "My life passed before my eyes"?  Well, just because you're only 18, it doesn't mean your life has been meaningless. It doesn't mean you don't have regrets.  I will not tell you what Titus said, as I hold it dear and sacred that he told me. But, I will say, we were both sobbing by the time he was done.

Jayce and Derek come back to the van, I step out to call my husband and let him in on a little that has happened and explain that I want to hang out in town for a bit. I don't want to head back over the mountain, where I'll have no cell service and the nearest doctor is an hour away. Everyone was acting perfectly fine, just wanted to be certain.

As I hang up with my husband and turn towards the van, Titus is waiting for me.

He says "I want you to know, I would've tried to swim that far even if you would've said "No". It's not your fault. I wanted to do it so I did."

He knew. He knew that I felt extremely guilty for letting them swim out there like that. 

He tried his very hardest to convince me it wasn't my fault. And, I tried my very hardest to convince him I will always feel guilty.

I also expressed my fears about what his mother was going to say. My friend, the woman whose one fear is drowning. 

 Titus asked if we needed to tell her. 

"Ummmm....yeah. We do. There is no way I can look at her and NOT tell her. Plus, I will most certainly burst into tears as soon as I see her".  

We went to the local burger joint and ate dinner. There was lots of laughter and also, lots of "what ifs" that night. 

Have you ever heard that drowning is very quiet? I had, but never got it until that day. 

There were families all around us. Only myself, the boys and the two old men even had a clue what was going on, just feet away.  

There was no huge splashing and thrashing. 

Just a quiet "Help". 

One conversation we all had that night was if Derek had saved Titus', and on some level, Jayce's lives. 

I believe he did. 

 

Jayce could not help Titus as Titus is much larger and Jayce was very tired. I firmly believe Jayce would've died trying. 

I could've swam out there but certainly not fast enough and I'm certain I would not have had enough strength to swim dragging Titus. 

The old men would've never made it there in time. 

What if I hadn't have drove them that day? 

What if Derek hadn't of come down to the dock and instead went to the car, looking for food? 

When we finally made it home, I let Titus go in and tell his mother all that had happened. She came out and yes, I immediately started crying. She hugged me and said "I'm so glad you were there and it's okay." 

And, of course, she hugged Derek and said "Thank you!" 

It's been several weeks since this happened. I still cry. Hard. 

I still feel guilty. I always will. 

But, I'm okay with it. There's nothing wrong with a little guilt. 

I'd rather feel guilty with the results we do have instead of guilt for how it could've turned out. 

We did have some fun that day. This was taken after dinner, at BJs ice cream shop (I can guarantee you the boys felt good enough to giggle when I pulled into the parking lot). Derek, Jayce and Titus. With serious faces and not wanting to actually touch each other. 

It's a special kind of love. :) 

Post of Pictures

Summer is cooking right along. Here we are mid-July already, back to school ads in the paper this morning. Why do the days have to just fly??

Here's some photos of what's been happening.

Rock Springs, Wyoming. I went for 6 days, just myself and my folks. To see my brother get married!

This is my little brother, Lucas. Incase you cannot tell, he is smiling.  Which has been a rare occurrence, up until the last couple of years.

The reason my brother smiles way more these days.  He finally married Shelly. That is my father, standing up with Luke. And Shelly's friend, Jackie, standing up with her. They got married in their back yard. **Tangent** I'm a Bible believing Christian, but what kind of jack-A pastor would cancel on a couple two weeks before their wedding because the groom hasn't done something that most Christians haven't done? Ever? (for more info, you can ask in the comments)

Luke and Shelly with all of their children, Luke's two and her two. Oh, and the puppy, Trigger.

I came home to my very own fire pit in my very own backyard!!

Jeven's first fish of the summer!

Jarrett and Josie hate campfire smoke in their eyes. Their solution.

Judd helping Jeven fly his kite!

Kids are growing up. If you notice, no pictures included my oldest, Jayce. He's hardly ever home these days. Although, one major happening of the summer, a life changing one (seriously) included him. I hope to blog about it soon. (Cliff hanger, anyone?) 

Keep cool, everyone!!