Time Marches On

In the two weeks since my last post, time has, indeed,  marched on.

There was a funeral. A moving, sweet service for a wonderful, wise man. A man that I have known since I was 5 yrs. old.
I grew up in a small town. Very small. There were 20 kids in my Senior class. And that was a large class. Many of those students had been together since Kindergarten. Michael was one of those people. When you go through 13 yrs. (13 very important, life shaping years) with the same people, they become part of you. I cannot honestly look back at those years and NOT see him. With his passing, part of me has died as well. It has been hard to understand why he had to die. But, it's not my decision to make and I know he is at peace. And, because of his life, many others have made decisions regarding their own.
There were hundreds of people at his service.  Old friends. It was a school reunion of sorts. A bittersweet reunion.

There was an operation. My mom had her shoulder surgery and all went well.  She ended up having to have some tendons and bones screwed back together. Now, she's taking it easy and will soon be doing physical therapy.
I was afraid this whole experience would change my mother, in my eyes. She would somehow become sickly and frail. But, she's been strong and courageous.  She's been wise in asking for help (which for both her and I, is difficult to do) for things she can't do but yet not needy or feeling sorry for herself. She has been thankful that the surgery fixed the problem and her healing seems to be right on track.

There was illness. It ran through our household like a semi-truck. Everyone was infected and missed out on some fun social happenings. Such is life. 

Time marches on.

There was a birthday. Jarrett turned 6!  ( I will post his birthday interview soon!). Hard to believe my little preemie 5lb baby is now 6 and becoming more independent each day. 

He's becoming SO independent, he'd rather NOT get his picture taken with mom. 

There was a getaway.  I am blessed with awesome in-laws.  Even though the kids were sick, they had no qualms about taking them for 2 nights so my husband and I could enjoy some grown-up time.  Much needed. And, appreciated.

Can't beat this view, from our hotel room. Sigh...

Judd's favorite part of the weekend. No joke. 

Time marches on.

I have wanted to blog, I have not wanted to blog. I would go back and forth between wanting to tell you all these funny things to feeling very superficial and, for lack of a better word, stupid. How can I write about the funny things my kids did when someone has died?
How can I come here and complain about my husband, who hates to go to the coast and was complaining about going, even before we left, when I know of one wife that would love to hear her husband complain.

But, time does march on.

I will enjoy it.

No Words

Nothing I write here today would be able to sum up the feelings that I have.

I have a lot of heavy things going on right now.

There has been a death of a very dear and wonderful friend. Even the fact that he was re-diagnosed with leukemia didn't make it less shocking. Maybe it's the fact that the re-diagnosis came only a month ago.
Someday, soon, I will talk more about this, but right now....I just can't.

Please pray for Michael's wife and his three little children.

Somewhat less heavy, but it still has it's own bulk to it, is the fact that my mom fell and injured her shoulder. Badly enough to require surgery. Within the week. Add to that is the fact that my dad is a truck driver and needs to work. That means the job of getting mom to and from the doctor and helping her recover is mine. Which I gladly do. Don't misread that. GLADLY.

Like I said, heavy stuff going on here.

I will be back. Soon.

In the mean time, hold your loved ones closer, tell them you love them, make the most out of every day. Spend quality time with God. Do the best with what He gave you.

That's what I'm going to be doing.

A Dream and a Loss

All of my pregnancies were filled with drama. Each one more than the one before. Bedrest. High blood pressure. Numerous ultra sounds. Trips to the hospital for monitoring.

All of my newborns had issues. Each one more than the one before. Jeven was the worst.  Walking out of the hospital without your newborn  is the second  worst feeling in the world. Being told "we had to revive him" is the first.

As much as I admire the Duggar family, we are in no position to compete with them.
After Jeven, we decided we were done growing our family. It was a hard decision for us to make. Well, for me. Judd made it in a snap. I had some real, genuine heartache for the babies I would never have.
But, it would not be fair to get pregnant again and run the risk of dying, leaving my remaining children without a mother. Or, get pregnant and not have a baby survive. Unthinkable.

It was decided Judd would get a vasectomy.  Just the fact that my husband was willing to have THAT done, ( a man that has gone to the doctor twice in the entire time I've known him) tells you how serious he was about being DONE.

While he was back getting his procedure done, I sat in the restroom and cried. And cried. I knew it was the right decision. It just  hurt my heart.
What got me through was knowing the IF God wanted us to have another baby, it could happen. People have babies after a vasectomy all the time, right? And, if He can get a virgin pregnant, He could certainly make it happen for me.

For the next year, I secretly, subconsciously, hoped every month that was the case.

Now, it's been 4 years and I can honestly say, if God saw fit to let me be pregnant, I would be mad as heck.  I am SO done with babies. I love my kids. I love other people's babies. I gladly baby sit. But, I gladly give them back to their parents.  I will always miss the tiny newborn sounds and smells. I miss breastfeeding. But, I'm glad my time is done with those things.

Monday night, I had a dream I was pregnant. Not only pregnant, but in labor.  And it was a very realistic dream. You know when you have a somewhat realistic dream there's still random people in it, or random things happening that don't make any sense?  This dream had none of that.

In my dream, it was a very fast labor, which is accurate for me. The whole family was there. Accurate.  The only thing that was slightly off was I decided I wanted to actually assist in the delivery. Meaning, I wanted to reach down and "catch" the baby. Which I never had any interest in doing with my other labors. But, in my dream, I wanted to. Not in a weird way, just very casually said, "Can I do it?".

And, I pulled a healthy, beautiful, baby boy up onto my chest. And he cried. I cried. Judd cried. And, I loved him. Instantly. And, I was relieved that I loved him.  Seeing as how it was an unwanted pregnancy and all. I was glad I loved him instantly.

As Judd and I decided what this new baby boy's name was to be, I woke up.

I told Judd about my dream. His response was "More of a nightmare!".  I told Josie. "I do want a baby sister!"  "Sorry, it was a boy". "Oh man!!".

Judd and I laughed it off.  It was only a dream.

But, I had this weird  feeling that stayed with me all day yesterday.  I couldn't explain it. I didn't talk about it. It was just "there".

Judd and I had some alone time yesterday afternoon. As we were walking through Target, we passed the baby section. And,tears started rolling down my face. I turned my head so my husband wouldn't see, lest he think I'm bonkers.

My weird feeling?  Loss. I felt like I had HAD a baby, and where was he?
I can close my eyes and see him. Smell him. Hear him.

I suffered a miscarriage in April 2000.  I was 12 wks. exactly. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl.

I've heard people that have lost a child talk about their dreams that have their loved one in it. They dream of their dead children.
Was that my lost baby in my dream?  I'm not sure.

I do know I went to sleep last night praying I'd dream about him again.

Bullett Points of Excuses

• Behind in home schooling. The month of December kicked our butts. Yes, I know we are almost into February. 
• I've discovered Netflix Instant watch. I found my favorite books in a t.v. series:  James Herriot's All Creatures Great and Small.  First time I read this book, I was in 6th grade and my teacher, Mr. Larsen, encouraged me to not only finish the book (at that time, it was the longest book I'd ever attempted to read) but read the entire series. Which I have, many times. To find the book as a t.v. series really made my day. So, every free moment I have, I'm watching it. 
•  I had an IUD put in in December, to supposedly help with my heavy bleeding every month. TMI? Too bad.  Since then, I have pretty much bled non-stop. My doctor said this could continue for up to 3 months then, hopefully, things will taper off. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because the non-stop bleeding is making me T.I.R.E.D
• My face looks like a meth user's face. I have broke out in more zits than I ever accumulated during all my teen years. The sad thing is, I have zits on top of wrinkles. So not fair. 
• I also have pink eye. At least, I think it's pink eye. Believe me, with 4 kids, I have experience with it. I have a pink eye, the gunk that makes it impossible to open my eye in the morning. But, I also have pain on the entire side of my face and my eye is more RED than pink.  
• The last 3 bullet points are not excuses for not blogging, but more of a ploy to get some sympathy. Did it work?

Movie Recommendation

As if my opinion matters to you in the first place.

But, I watched a wonderful movie last night, it was however, three hours long and I'm feeling the pain today. But, it was worth it.

Lost in Austen was lent to me by a friend. When I heard the plot, I was a little skeptical. But, seeing as how my husband was watching River Monsters, I decided I'd give it a try.

I love the book "Pride and Prejudice" and the movie, with Colin Firth, even more.
This movie, actually a miniseries that aired in the UK, takes a modern day woman into the life of the characters of the novel. Through a magic door. Sounds stupid, right? Like I said, I was skeptical. It turns out to be funny and sweet and a great love story. The main character of course, screws everything up and the wrong people fall in love and you see different sides of characters you've  "known" for years.

So, if you have 3 hours to spare and lots of popcorn (and some tissues),this is the movie for you.

If you'd prefer, on the other hand, to mindlessly watch ugly water creatures being captured by an idiot*, then my husband's show would be more your style.

*To be fair, I never watched River Monsters. I'm just speculating. Accurately I imagine.

Pay It Forward...Rock the ONEder Fund.

Pay It Forward...Rock the ONEder

I've been reading, following this blog for quite some time. Ever since another bloggy friend posted the link. And, it's touched me in a way that I can't put into words. But, Kelle can. She is a wonderful writer and once you "meet" her girls, you will be instantly in love.

It's almost little Nella's birthday and her momma is doing something pretty awesome to celebrate.

Go look. Donate, if you can. A little goes a long ways.

Thanks!

"I Just Want You to be Happy"

I believe I've said that statement approximately 1 million times these last 6 months or so.
My brother has gone through a tough time lately. And, even though I hate to see him hurting and the things that have resulted from that pain, our relationship, his and mine, has grown. It has grown more in the last year than the previous 32.

We've had some great conversations. Some dark and depressing and some silly.
But, through it all, through all the decisions that he needed to make, I would tell him  "I just want you to be happy".

But, if I'm honest with myself, and ultimately, with him,  what I should say is this:
"I want you to be happy WHEN you follow my advice." or "I want you to be happy IF you do things the way I would do them".

Because, truth be told, I would advice him and talk to him and listen to him. And tell him "be happy". Then, a couple days later ( or in some cases, hours) he'd call and let me know what he decided.  And, it felt wrong. And, it would upset me.

But, he's happy. And, isn't that what I said I wanted all along? For him to be happy?

His happiness shouldn't be conditional. My support of him certainly shouldn't be conditional (ok, if he was a mass murderer, perhaps that's a condition I would not support) .

It has made me stop and think:

• everyone's idea of how to be happy is different
• when we give advice, we have to give it freely, no strings attached
• we cannot be surprised, hurt, angry, etc. when our advice is not heeded*
• truly, truly, I do want him to be happy
• most importantly, he's my brother and I will always be here to listen, to laugh and to love. 

And, to all of you:  I want you to be happy as well.

*does anyone else have a certain t.v. show quote pop into their head whenever the word "heed" is used?